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| its been awhile i know...
i've been very angsty lately and very much filled with alot of hatred towards alot of people,
on one hand it seems to drive me towards to do better things, but on the other it eats into my soul... and sleep
i really need to find a balance somehow and remain more zen all the time.... reading bushido was supposed to help but it doesnt seem to be helping... sigh... | | |
| everything would be ok if u said this to me.....
or at least i'd try harder to think that everything would have been ok....
its killing me inside that u didnt say a single word of sorry but i kept saying it a million times... i didnt have a reason to.... but u had so many.....
I'm sorry
Two words I always think
After you've gone
When I realize I was acting all wrong
So selfish
Two words that could describe
Oh actions of mine
When patience is in short supply
We don't need to say goodbye
We don't need to fight and cry
Oh we, we could hold each other tight tonight
We're so helpless
We're slaves to our impulses
We're afraid of our emotions
And no one knows where the shore is
We're divided by the ocean
And the only thing I know is
That the answer isn't for us
No the answer isn't for us
I'm sorry
Two words I always think
Oh after you've gone
When I realize I was acting all wrong
We don't need to say goodbye
We don't need to fight and cry
We, we could hold each other tight tonight
Tonight
Tonight
Tonight
Tonight...
but i guess it doesnt matter anymore does it..... | | |
| im miserable... it always happenes to me.. half a year and i fuck up twice... gosh... i feel pathatic coming and turning to u whenever i feel like this only.... im pathetic... i really thought u were different... i did.... such a slap in my face, i dunno .... some part of me actually imagined u to be different... but fuck it... all of u are the same... everywhere u go every race continent size religion .... all the same... i dont understand... is the problem me?? u said u want something long term... but i'll be here and u'll be there... whats the issue???? ur previous few never lasted more than half a year anywae... and we're like together for like... 3 months now??? really.... u amazed me... and of all people.... u had to pick up ***** how classy... no offence ****** my friend and all... but its always been look we're friends and we're close... and yet ur my competiton so fuck off and keep away from me as much as possible???? i'll see u when i see u.... we'll meet for bdaes n occasions... but other than that... u have ur *** to be with and i dont still... aargh.... and its not the first time... fuck fuck fuck i've been up the whole night replaying everyting we've done together and everything u said and i said.... u know... honestly... i never actually liked u... gosh
up until that night in the taxi just befire i got off.... that look tht u gave me... goodness... that look made me hook line n sinker fall for u.... im such a loser.... i havent slept the whole day i have a fever and yet im up at 6am in the morning writing this useless piece of shit.... thanks really.... i dunno how i can see u still... i really dont.... u burst my confidence so badly... dammit... its karma.... for knowing u even b4 i told ***** that i wanted to end it.... yes.... im pretty sure of it... and i have ** more weeks to deal with u... and now i dont want to... but i dont know how to say it... i dont wanna do another dissappearing act.... it wont be fair... you know what.... im not even fair... i didnt give u a chance.... i mean ur right.... i dont own u... but i did say while ur here i do... but why why why did u lead me on so much... y'd u get angry when ever i **** or **** aargh.... u were always so jealous and i was always so obliging and everything... aargh ur so stupid gerard... wake the fuck up... and dont go messing arnd with other peoples minds just because of this.... u dont like ****** then so be it!!! aargh.... why me... why...
to **** yes i still hate you... u fucking *** i hope u fucking burn... how much nonsense u put me thru and this happens.... its not over... **** will leave u one day... really...
dont bother reading this entry.... it makes no sense and u wont know wad the stars mean anywae... im sorry i just had to type it out....... friday pls come faster... i need a break so badly..
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| so i took a million years to update and an hour to explore the new xanga and i coldnt find the add new entry button... wad a loser....
and so im back... and thats not a good thing... like i always said coming back to blog always meant theres things gg on in my head and things troubling me... sigh...
i've come to this crossroad in my life once again where i dunno where im headed.. i enjoy the course im doing but i've no energy to study for my exams and what not.. i need a break.. a proper one... i cant handle myself right now and i dunno whats going on... i know i can make it and i'll make it one day but that one day is subjective to when... im lost ...
i guess its got to do with the people i mix with as well... i guess it has finally sinked in that the people i've been meeting and talking to lately hasnt been exactly the best people to know or be with.... im not saying the people i mixed with in the past were good... neither am i saying they were bad... but right now as of this point at 1 20 am ... i feel that the people i know arnt exactly the best choice of people i wanna know... i wont even exactly consider them friends or call them people i can trust and talk to... its on a very superficial level and i dont like this feeling...
i always told people and myself that i was different from them and that they wouldnt affect me... but im starting to look at myself and think that i am no different from any of them... firstly .. birds of a feather flock together... it doesnt take quantum physics to realise why i get along with these people in the first place... something must have clicked and to have that click they must have saw something in me or me in them that identified and trusted me ... im scared now... because sometimes i walk down the street or sit in the bus and think these horrible thoughts that never haunted me before... i feel insecure and as if im being watched 24/7... it doesnt help that nobody understands me at home or bothers... sigh...
and on the other hand i cant keep something going for more than a month... its a curse... i just cant... i get bored... i pick on every minute detail and everything irritates me... i know i should be happy that i've finally settled down but i cant help but feel that im being taken for granted alot recently .... from outsiders from my friends my family and now u... u of all who should be there for me as n when i need u... but i cant turn to u cos ur never there... its very hard to and i'm giving my best but im at this crossroad where i dunno where to go and when im like this i detatch myself from everything and everyone and just wanna be alone...
its so hard being me... all these different masks i have to wear... these different personas that i create and ultimately become... none are bad... but none are real... and i dont know the real me anymore... i never did..
i cant sleep every night and i wanna sleep so badly.. everynight i dream and dream n dream and i barely sleep... the dreams are crazy and nonsensical and take up so much energy that in the morning and in school i feel drained and tired but still... i cant sleep... i wanna take pills but i know they'll fuck me up ... i wanna see a shrink but i dont wanna waste the money ... i wanna take antidepressants but i dont want to because i know i can fight this... i said this for the past 7 years and im still fighting... im not gg to be weak and accept defeat.. all i wish was that i could study and absorb everything i learn... and every semester i tell myself i will pay more attention but i fail 3 weeks into school... i feel so fucking stupid and wanna give up but i dont want to at the same time.. im not fucking brilient... u never taught me anything i learnt everything myself why do u always tell me what to do... i wish with the click of the post button all my problems will leave but realli... i dont have any problems... everything solvable nothing lasts forever but right now im in pain and i wanna sleep... theres so much things i need to resolve in my life now its terrible... all these demons within me fighting with each other playing with my mind... i want so much and yet i want nothing... i cant decicde what i want ... attention was something i never lacked... i never did need to do anything and it always feel upon me... but i cant take it sometimes.. i know i can go all out and soemtimes people say i should... but i dont want to.. i wanna stay quiet and be out of the lights and glamour... i dont like it... and i dont like what people say about me... there isnt much bad things u can sa about me realli... yes, im flaky... i can be short tempered... i can be pretty boring at times as well and nonchalant... but realli... whos perfect and why is there this constant need to talk about people and gossip.. i admit... i do my fare share of gossiping... but i always believe in controlled gossiping... i agree with what u say or i say things that the person has said and agreed with... so there...
i pray blogging tonight works and that tomorrow i wake up afresh and ready to face my books and the next 2 weeks b4 my xams... i just need to pass... i need so many things... but most of all now... i need sleep...
another thing that keeps bothering me is my godsisters death.. bless her soul she was an angel and she died a horrible death and i felt realli sad and everything and my mom keeps talking about it on the phone and i dont like being reminded... its so bad i dont even know what to say to my other godsister and haven contacted her about it yet... i mean.. what do i say... jenni understood and said i needed time... gosh i realli need jenni here now.... i need alot of people i am not an island... gosh i'll do anything for a good meal right now... i dont even remeber what i've been eating ... i have my 2 meals but they dont mean anything.. and im consitpated... yes.. it does mean something... it means ur stuck in life and u dont know what to do... ur body knows... and it reacts... i wateched it somehwere... i should stop here... and try to sleep.. even though i know i wont.... i'll prolly fall asleep in 2 hours ... lying in bed ... head messing around with me... thinking of redundant things... and after 2 hours... i'll tire myself out so bad i'll just have to sleep...
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| And you, poor little boy with all your psychic problems and prozac,
refuse to even try anymore. You think the world doesn't understand you,
you have no faith, you blame your parents, you can't fall in
love. Sometimes I think you conjure your problems just to imitate the
life of a tragic hero but screw your puerile imagination. Not all
heroes are psychos and not all psychos are heroes. You pretend to be a
psycho among many other things but you are definitely not a hero.
You're shallow and pretentious, just like all your friends. Birds of a
feather. You and your friends - a generation of Prince Charmings and no Cinderellas | | |
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